My friend Claire Miller

Earlier this year I started a blog but it never really went anywhere. However, seeing a post on my friend's blog about someone she'd lost reminded me of something meaningful I'd written about a friend I lost this year. So I thought I'd transfer it over here. Because I thought about my friend Claire Miller this weekend. Like I do most days. And this is the time of year when I think of her the most - because I have fond memories of us drunkenly singing "Fairytale of New York" in the pub and on the way home and whenever I hear it this Christmas, it'll be Claire I'm thinking of as I'm singing along..

Went to the funeral of an old friend last week. It really hit me hard, although I hadn't seen her for years. I felt guilty for it hitting me so hard in many ways because how dare I grieve when her family and close friends were so much more devastated by her loss. Still. She was with me through my formative years. When I was 17. Drinking cider and black and then spending half of my evenings in the pub toilets reliving my drinks in the other direction. Claire was there beside me. Talking to me. That's a pretty dedicated friend when you think about it. Yes ok she might have been well inebriated too, but she was right by my side, come hell (well, vomit) or high water.

It's weird that you take so many things for granted. When I heard that she had died, I really thought hard about the impact she had on my life, and in many ways it far outweighed anything subsequent friends had to offer. Without her, I'd never have discovered much of the musical taste I have to this day. Without her, I wouldn't have the mad memories of my teens in the pub with a crew of friends, laughing and being loud. She helped me become me. Fearless, she championed my sexuality and never let me make excuses for it or anyone else criticise it. It's crazy the things we let pass us by.

At the funeral we laughed out loud at our memories of Claire. We laughed together. For her, for Claire. For all that she was then and had been until she was tragically taken at the age of 32.

I feel terrible that I never got in touch with her for years, but it's easy to let life pass you by, to plough your own furrow and not dwell on the past. One thing it's made me realise is that life's so short, so precious, we should treasure it and embrace it. I've also learned that the people that make the biggest impact aren't always the ones you notice straight away.

But they're definitely the ones you miss the most.

Claire Miller 1972-2005. There is a light that never goes out..

David or Farrah?

Well I have to say if I don't get my hair cut within the next couple of weeks there's a very good chance I'll vomit next time I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I look like David Hasselhoff on a blustery day at the Baywatch set - and then some. Not good. It needs to be short. Short = good. Long and curly = bad. Very bad. Actually, thinking about it I think it's more of a Farrah Fawcett/David Hasselhoff mutation.

It's so bad that yesterday I ended up having to put my 8 year old nephew's "strawberry tangle free hair gel" in my hair, just to make it behave. There comes a time when you know something's gotta give. It's time to make way for a new style. And by that I don't mean an egyptian bob.

Links links links

I enjoy websites. In particular I enjoy www.afterellen.com. It's worth a look. I'm really glad I found it when I did, many moons ago. I'm also enjoying www.kate-moennig.com. For all the hypey L Word sites, this is just down to earth and factual with great photo's of Ms Moennig. The home site it features on - www.lword-fr.net is great too. A great big stand up round of applause for the fabulous french lady who owns and updates it.

I love france and french things. I need to visit there. Soon.

Gordon Ramsey

I wish I could decide what it is about him I like and so sincerely dislike. What I feel about him is such a contradiction, and I've never even met the bloke. I don't suppose he'd care. And I'm not quite sure why I'm even bothered.

And then the pains came..

Well I can't say I don't deserve it. I've been an absolute bitch to anyone who's ventured within 3 feet of me this week. I'm glad I've stopped snarling but I'm high on ibuprofen so who did you say you were again??

PMT

What is it with this hormonal thing? I try really hard to be calm and pleasant but every time I open my mouth to be reasonable I end up spouting and shouting and being generally vile. I have virtually no control over it. I'm worth avoiding at all costs. It's such a joy to be a woman.

Gridlock & Memories

If you ever have cause to come to Sheffield first thing in the morning, say around 9am, and it's all planned and you're all set and the keys are in your hand to lock the front door behind you and you step outside and there's the very slightest drizzle in the air then stop, go back in the house, put the kettle on and ring whoever you're meeting to tell them you want to rearrange. For a dry day. Because if you ever live in Sheffield you'll know that rain/drizzle/moisture means GRIDLOCK. And gridlock in this city means, as it does in most places, MISERY.

There was one single glimmer of goodness. Whilst sat in my car, I watched a young mother pass by with her children who were both covered in those rain hoods that are like a poncho and a hoodie combined, fluorescent in colour. It reminded me of childhood holidays in Scotland and my brightly coloured waterproof coat and red wellies. Happy days. I even managed a smile and a few butterflies in my tummy. They're the kind of memories I cherish. Thanks Mum & Dad. x

Chatterboxes

I went to see KT Tunstall live last Thursday. She was unbelievably good. An incredible talent yet retaining the raw element that makes someone addictive. She'll be around for years to come I reckon. Incredible stuff. However. There was a down side to it all. Somehow I'd managed to get myself positioned next to a group of people who apparently found the music too loud for their conversations as they were shouting all the way through the gig. Not at KT in admiration and praise - oh no - to each other in general conversation. I was sincerely unimpressed. Why on earth pay the money to go and see someone in concert only to jabber all the way through the live music? It shows a lack of respect for the artist, as well as being downright rude to the other people standing near you. I could've screamed! I've no problem with people wanting to communicate of course, just be a bit more considerate - if you get right close to someones ear when you speak then they should be able to hear you, no matter how loud the music is. If someone was talking at the cinema all the way through a film that would be unacceptable so why not in a live gig. I could rant on about it for hours - and I know from posting a thread on the KT Tunstall message board that many fans share my sentiments. I'll shut up for now tho. I think someone needs to help me down off my soapbox cos I seem to be stuck here. I do believe my hormones are to blame...oh the joys of being a woman...

The wonders of technology

Well my blog disappeared last night. Unexpectedly. Turns out I'd forgotten to "publish" what I'd written, so more fool me. Tsk. Thankfully it's back now. I have to say that I'm getting annoyed with every blog I write getting a random advertising comment on it. Cheeses me right off. I don't accept spam anywhere else in my life so I don't want it here either. Do I sound fierce? Yeah ok. Maybe not.

Green Cross Code

I drove to Manchester today in a van. Not for kicks, but for work. Because if I was gonna drive a van to Manchester for kicks I would drive a Mercedes Sprinter Van but this was a Peugeot expert and not remotely sprint-like. It was pretty awful. To be honest I was starting to think that perhaps the van has some form of invisibility cloak around it because so many people stepped out in its path. Do people not get taught the green cross code anymore??! It’s ridiculous. I am not a dangerous driver by any stretch of the imagination and even I found myself questioning if it was me or not!! Pedestrians take ridiculous risks then shout at the car that they’re stepping in front of like it’s their fault for suddenly appearing. On a road. Where there isn’t a crossing. What disturbs me the most is that there are children crossing a dual carriageway near where I live to get to school – 20 yards down from the pelican crossing. Because it’s nearer to school, by all accounts. And when a child gets knocked down because he or she stepped out, almost playing chicken, onto a busy dual carriageway with a speed limit of 40 the parents will blame the driver. It scares me. I’m very conscientious of cyclists and pedestrians because I was taught well, but even I occasionally get caught off guard - if I’m tired, or the sun’s particularly bright, or there’s a strange noise from the car that is distracting me. What worries me is the combination of distraction and stupid driving from some of the local boy – and girl – racers, because it’s too late all too quickly when you’re doing 50 or 60mph. I’m going to write a letter to the headmaster of the school near me. And a letter to the council regarding additional crossings. I don’t ever want to see a child hurt on the road nearby – or on any road. I just think people need to be green cross coding their children again again and again, because it was drummed into me and everyone else I knew when I was growing up. I’ve drummed it into my niece and nephew. Seeing so many adults walk straight out in front of traffic today makes me wonder if anyone ever thinks about it anymore.

Babies

Aren't babies amazing little things? So perfect. Created from essentially a very sweaty sticky moment but such an incredible result. I'm joined in the office today by my friend's baby - Lily. She's just amazing. 5 weeks old and all wide eyed, staring at everything in amazement. I mean, I can appreciate why she's fascinated by me - even when I look in the mirror I can't help wondering what the hell is that..lol.. It's a strange thing holding a baby when I know I probably won't have one of my own. Not that my body clock has stopped ticking quite yet but there's certainly no foreseeable way I could manage it. I feel ever closer to my niece and nephew as a result. And other peoples babies get an extra cuddle. For the magnificence of creation and for the fact that I probably won't get to look into the eyes of my own. But who knows? Nobody really knows what's around the corner and maybe my girlfriend and I will just decide to have babies at the same time and cause complete chaos in our lives...scary thought. I think what babies really do is make me think there must be something greater than all of us, to have created such an amazing process, to bring forth life from cells alone. Hmmm. Check me out being all philosophical lol. I think it's time to make some tea..

Mature student...?

Well today I discovered my friend is happily blogging away on here too. So I guess I'd better get revved up and start posting or she'll be using all my stories before I get to them..

Things of note to say today - Happy Birthday Ben! Happy Birthday Gina!

It's that time of year when everyone and their wife has a birthday. Ah well - all the cool star signs tho I guess? Sagittarius being the best...of course.

Went to see KT Tunstall in concert last week - what a talent! Ohh I just wish I was going to see her again on this tour. Still, there's always next time. She played a version of Teenage Kicks for the late, great John Peel and it was mind blowingly great. I envy her guitar skills. I need to start playing mine a lot more, tho as a result of enjoying KT's music I've started picking it back up again. Who knows? I might have a new song written by 2010 lol..

Here I am

Ok so this is a new blog..with more to follow..I'm writing off my old one and starting up afresh!

Watch this space.