The black clouds blew away

So here we are and it's Tuesday, and the weekend ended with me lighter and more content. It's amazing how a weekend of doing very little but feeling comfortable and secure with the woman you love by your side can make all the difference. The daffodils helped too. To me it's just a demonstration of what is scary about depression but also how by learning to control the falling can help you not hit the very bottom, but tread water just above it until you have the strength to swim back up.

What a difference a week makes

This time last week I was pretty much buzzing from my day at an exhibition where I seemed to get on really well with everyone and have lots of positive experiences meeting absolute strangers and having a good old laugh. I didn't feel judged on anything other than my personality. It was great.

Today I feel empty and awful. Like a big fat failure. Like life is just an effort I can do without. I know these signs. Depression is an awful thing - it lunges for you and there's very little you can do but try not to look at it, try not to own it, try to walk away. I'm struggling today. I just want to lie down with it and say ok I'm yours, do with me what you will.

I can find very little positive stuff to say about very much. I feel like I'm 33 and I have nothing to show for it. I'm running backwards not striding forwards, a minus instead of a plus. Even the littlest thing makes me feel less worthy and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because frankly what can they do - I already have an answer for anything anyone might say. So I have to ride this, in the knowledge that there's a 50:50 chance I may wake up tomorrow and I'll still feel numb.

Thank goodness it's an intermittent issue, and thank goodness I can write about it. I'm hanging on in here. Just.

Empty

There's a big space where my "upcoming concert tickets" used to sit. What's that all about? I don't have ANY gigs planned. There are lots of things I fancy - Muse at Reading/Leeds (if it's confirmed), Coldplay etc at the Isle of Wight. I'm not convinced my funds would run to it, but we shall see. Here's hoping the lady Tunstall will tour again later this year. But I'll have to be sprightly when it comes to buying tickets this time - she's HOT property and I've a feeling she'll be all sold out in a matter of hours. Good for her tho. She is a truly talented lass. Wouldn't mind seeing Prince, or Madonna either. But it's soooo expensive now. And Ebay just makes it worse. I'm not gonna start that rant tho; I'd be here all day.

Is it March already?

How time flies. Seems like an age ago that I was in Scotland and since then I've been to Northumbria (which was bracing to say the least) and back. My landlord needs me out of the house by June. Which is good, I guess, cos it gives me something to aim for, but it's still a little scary. So much to think about. New job. New Start. New chapter in my relationship with H. I know I have the courage to take the steps, it's just making sure that the path doesn't crumble on the way across.