What a difference a week makes

This time last week I was pretty much buzzing from my day at an exhibition where I seemed to get on really well with everyone and have lots of positive experiences meeting absolute strangers and having a good old laugh. I didn't feel judged on anything other than my personality. It was great.

Today I feel empty and awful. Like a big fat failure. Like life is just an effort I can do without. I know these signs. Depression is an awful thing - it lunges for you and there's very little you can do but try not to look at it, try not to own it, try to walk away. I'm struggling today. I just want to lie down with it and say ok I'm yours, do with me what you will.

I can find very little positive stuff to say about very much. I feel like I'm 33 and I have nothing to show for it. I'm running backwards not striding forwards, a minus instead of a plus. Even the littlest thing makes me feel less worthy and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because frankly what can they do - I already have an answer for anything anyone might say. So I have to ride this, in the knowledge that there's a 50:50 chance I may wake up tomorrow and I'll still feel numb.

Thank goodness it's an intermittent issue, and thank goodness I can write about it. I'm hanging on in here. Just.