The thing about blogs

I've discussed the fact that I have a blog with a number of people recently. Each time I feel I must point out that this isn't written for the benefit of others, but is a way of getting things out of my head and putting them somewhere very much detached from my person. That said, it's quite nice when people comment unexpectedly. I can't tell you how much it helps me having somewhere to empty my head to.

I read a definition of a blog recently that said it reflects ones personality. People who read this blog without having met me will think I'm quite miserable on that basis! I come across as quite serious, but in real life i don't think I'm all that serious at all, except where necessary and certainly not with people who I'm not properly close to.

This blog is not entertaining as such, it just is what it is. I'm very grateful that I have other friends who are able to express themselves with more humour online than I!!

The end is nigh

So I spoke to my MD this week about leaving my job, and it's all worked out nicely and I leave on 30th June. Wow. It's actually happening. I mean, there'll be muchly job hunting from this point on, but to know I actually have a date to work with really makes a difference. The end of my South Yorkshire adventures, and the start of something new.

All this talk of death

It's weird. With all the talk of those deceased at the weekend and the news I had last week, I'd been thinking about my choices of departure and indeed the music to accompany it before I'd even read about it on a friend's blog. I can't decide whether I'd like to be cremated or to have one of those back-to-the-earth burials where you essentially get put 6 feet under in a cardboard box in the middle of a field. It's kind of organic. I haven't decided. I'm pretty much set that it won't be in a church, but there will be some kind of christian element to it. I'm not affiliated with any specific religion but I do believe in God and want that to be acknowledged. As for choice of songs - just two. Throw me a rope by KT Tunstall and The Scientist by Coldplay. Not because they're both tear inducing melodies tunes, but because I like the words. The line "Oh but I've got to be unconditionally unafraid of my days without you" from the KT track is very poignant. I want my funeral to be a celebration of my life. I don't want people to wear black, I'd rather they wore comfy clothes. Clothes that they enjoy wearing. And people should not be afraid to laugh.

We never know when our time is going to be up, and I realise that more and more as I see others disappear unexpectedly, but we may at least have some say in what happens during the last day of our departure, eh?

Hair today, gone tomorrow?

My hair is not good. It comes to something when even your friends don't hold back. It's time for the chop. Again. What a bloody nightmare. I don't even know how I want it, I just know I don't want it like this!!

Like old times

Went out for dinner and to the pub tonight with some old friends, some newer friends and a very friendly brand new face. To celebrate Claire's life and all that she meant to us. It was interesting to see how we all react and think about her, and I'd like to think she was there with us somehow. It was an interesting night for me too because I'm not much for going and sitting in pubs but tonight reminded me of how good it can be when everyone is laughing and enjoying the moment. I barely remember eating anything even tho we went for dinner, but that's because the company was so good. I really hope we manage to stick to our plans and meet up again at least a few times this year, or at the very least stay in touch more often. At the very least I hope this becomes an annual thing. Claire meant different things to all of us individually and at different times in our lives. She is truly missed.

Take me out tonight
Where there’s music and there’s people
And they’re young and alive..

One year

It's 12 months tomorrow since we lost my friend Claire. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. It's madness! Am meeting up with some friends tomorrow to go for dinner and remember her. I'm looking forward to it. It'll be sad because she should be there, but she'll be there in memory, if not in reality.

There is a light that never goes out. Claire Miller 1972 - 2005. xx

Love it forum reason

I love being a part of the Tunstallation Nation. It keeps me sane. Not only is the lady Tunstall herself one of the most talented, witty, down to earth musicians in the whole world but her fans are just brilliant. I've laughed out loud so many times today at the humour and insanity that goes on across the messageboard. I delight in the new internet chums I've made and I'll be sooo glad when I'm online at home again (when I get to Liverpool) and can play a bigger part. Picture me grinning. Yeah I know, makes a change doesn't it??

Shellshocked

I found out today that one of my old friends, a very dear friend in her time, has been diagnosed with a rare form of peritoneal cancer. There's no definite news, but the word from the friend that told me is that the prognosis won't be good. I can't quite get to grips with it in my head. My friend R was as close to me as my Mum in many ways back when I was in the JW's. When I left it was her I missed the most, and when she sees me she still talks to me, even though by her faith's dictation she shouldn't. So I can't even get in touch to offer my love and support. But I offer it in my heart. And I really, really hope that whatever positivity and longevity can come from this, does. We really do need to remember to live every day as if it were our last. You just never know when it's gonna be your turn. And I don't mean that in a maudlin sense, but in a very realistic matter-of-fact kind of way. I spend so much time fretting about my future. I think it's time to get life into perspective and take each day as it comes.

My favourite poem

I first read this poem when I was about 14, and it really struck me - the last line has a real image attached to it in my mind. It's beautiful and yet tragic. It was the first poem I ever thought about dedicating to another girl.

ee cummings - it may not always be so

it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

Better

Well I've been a bit light and dark in recent posts haven't I? Writing a blog is a peculiar thing, because I used to tell everyone I met everything I felt but in recent years I've been more private and yet here I am blarbing into the ether about the whys and wherefores of who I am and how I feel. It's peculiarly cathartic but I can't help occasionally questioning myself.

My nephew was 9 today. I can't believe how quickly he's growing up. I can't believe how quickly I'm growing old, lol. One thing's for sure though. This next year of R's life will see a lot of changes in mine. Thank goodness for family and friends and the girl I love. Because without any of you this rollercoaster would simply career on a downwards path. At least you ensure that there are ups to the journey.

Bad Day

It's like being on a rollercoaster
Up
Then
Down
I can't seem to enjoy the ride
I'm floundering
Can't see the future
The cloud won't lift
And all I want
Is what I've wanted for so long
Just to be beside you
But I'm starting to wonder
If somebody somewhere
Wants me elsewhere
Cos nothing fits
It's all too much
And I'm spiralling
Headlong
Into the unknown

Feeling the pressure

So I haven't found a job yet. And I know I haven't been looking for long, but I am feeling very stressed about it all and it won't leave me, whatever I try. I just wish I'd gone to uni and figured out something that I could do really well so that I could be more employable, rather than excel in the general administrative things that so many other people can do capably. Right at this moment I feel like I'm never gonna get a job in Liverpool and it's all gonna go down the toilet. I was really getting excited about moving, too. I hope I'm wrong, and that this is the calm before the storm. Can't help thinking it'll get much worse before it gets better :(

A bit of unexpected courtesy

I went for a job this week and had to meet the guy who I would be assisting, if successful. We got on ok, had some amusing banter, and I was feeling quite positive about it. However, it was at a university in a medical research project, so I knew there was always a chance it would be filled internally. Since the meeting I've been anxiously awaiting news of shortlisting for interview.

I got an email today from the Dr I'd met earlier in the week. It was really nice. I haven't been shortlisted but he thought I was very capable and said it would have been fun to work with me. They've had to shortlist people with appropriate backgrounds in university/research admin. I can understand that. It's amazing how much better I feel because he took the time to personally email me, and to be so positive. I can think about the whole experience with a smile now, instead of feeling completely crestfallen.

It makes such a difference when someone is prepared to take 5 minutes to offer a bit of courtesy and kindness. I'd like to thank Dr Tom Solomon for that, here and now.

Right. Back to the jobseekers drawing board...

Job hunting

What a thankless task this is. Every time I have to do this at least half a decade has been and gone and things change so much in the meantime!! I'm trying to be positive and not take things too seriously or get my hopes up but really. It's vile. If only it were simple process, and not necessary to be permanently anxious. If only I'd gone to Uni or done some further education. My options would be open. But not now. I live in a limbo where I'm trying to sell myself but really there are plenty of people out there who can do what I do. Only they have the certificates to prove it. So much for the benefits of on the job training. Sigh.

Without me, there'd be no wizards..

What do you think of when you wake up in the morning??